Relapse

I was thinking last night (technically this morning), while I was trying to get back to sleep after having been awoken by my precious chubby angel cherub demon of a cat  around 3:30, about when this relapse truly began. It was a lot earlier than I previously thought.

Last December, I started exercising again. Like, a lot. Well, a lot for me. I'm sure to some people, especially my fellow ED folks, 90 minutes in the elliptical is practically nothing. That's when the "I need to be thinnerthinnerthinner" thoughts began coming back. I was eating plenty at that time. I didn't start having truly "unhealthy" behaviors again until February or March, that I can remember.

i was approaching dealing with some heavy shit with my therapist, my anxiety want ballistic, and I guess I lost my grip on ED because now he's free roaming beast.

For the past couple of months, my restricting has been becoming increasingly more severe. What's weird though, is that when my ED was at its worst when I was 19-20, I never restricted. I was a fucking binge&purge machine, but I didn't restrict or give too much thought to calories at all.
This time around, I started off binge&purging again, but pretty quickly began exclusively restricting. I'm actually terrified to binge&purge now, because 1) even if you purge, your still absorb calories from a binge and 2) I don't think my body can handle it.
The few times I purged when I first started having behaviors again this year, I got dizzy, shaky, and essentially just felt like I was going to pass out. I used to purge7+ times a day and never felt anything.

Does this really even count as a relapse if the behaviors I've that been having are totally different than they used to be? Does that matter? I would ask S, but I doubt she knows....her area of expertise is trauma, not EDs. Honestly, I probably should be seeing an ED specialist, she's suggested it before. But I like S too much to go to another therapist. That's my own choice.

I feel like this post is incomplete, but whatever.

First Post!

Attempt at blogging: 5 bajillion.

ED has been screaming at me louder and louder lately, and I decided that I need someplace to vent. Since there is no one in my everyday life (aside from A, but he's going back to K Falls soon) that I'm comfortable talking about this shit with. So here I am. We'll see if I actually keep up with it this time.